Thursday Night Knife Fight Part III

March 2nd, 2006 by jdsalingerisawhore

Time Court is for people with Time Machines.  Residing over Time Court is Judge Konichewa.  He is Irish, really loud, doesn’t have to be vulgar, loves red meat.  His feet is always in a pot of warm water and is changed before each case.  The first case on the docket is #62841111; two men handcuffed together, J and K, are deciding how long they’ve known each other ( ex: 81-82, 82-83 etc…2001, 2002 etc.).

Judge Konichewa: (Screaming)Order.  Order.  I would prefer order in this Time Court.  We are in the present for chrissake exclamation point!  (Pause)  Which one of you is first question mark?

J raises hand.  He is holding a High Life and his shades, sports a mustache and has two pony tails of different lengths.  Since this is the first time you’ve seen him, J says: "Suckin on chili-dog, outside the tastee fr-eeeze."

K is tying a dude with no arm’s shoelace.  The dude with no arms is content, for now.  Du, dune, chhh.  Du, dune, chhh is his background music.  Since this is the first time you’ve seen K he says: "Like I told the arresting officer, 83-84, 84-85, 85-86, 86-87, 87-88, 88-89, 89-90, 90-91, 91-92, 92-93, 93-94, 94-95, 97-98. 98-99, 99-2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006."  And then he winks uncontrollably for thirty seconds.  K wears shorts with no pockets and loves The Guess Who.  He mutters under his breath "She took away everything I had she put the lid on me-ee-ee."

The starting line-up for The 1998(?) Los Angeles Clippers is as follows:

Shooting Guard–J J Peepeecoat

Point Guard–Can’ton Fudge

Small Forward–Fanny Ramsfar

Power Forward–Denver Sofar

Center–The Late, Great Billy Sims

Folsom Prison Blue

November 27th, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

The culture of a thousand years is shattered with the clanging of the cell door behind you.  Life outside, behind you immediately becomes unreal.  You begin to not care that it exists.  All you have with you in the cell is your bare animal instincts.

I speak partly from experience.  I have been behind bars a few times. Sometimes of my own volition- sometimes involuntarily.  Each time, I felt the same feeling of kinship with my fellow prisoners.

Behind the bars, locked out from "society", you’re being rehabilitated, corrected, re-briefed, re-educated on life itself, without your having the opportunity of really reliving it.  You’re the object of a widely planned program combining isolation, punishment, training, briefing, etc., designed to make you sorry for your mistakes, to re-enlighten you on what you should and shouldn’t do outside, so that when you’re released, if you ever are, you can come out clean, to a world that’s supposed to welcome you and forgive you.

Can it work??? "Hell no," you say.  How could this torment possibly do anybody any good. . . . . But then, why else are you locked in?

You sit on your cold, steel mattress less bunk and watch a cockroach crawl out from under the filthy commode, and you don’t kill it.  You envy the roach as you watch it crawl out under the cell door.

You count the steel bars on the door so many times that you hate yourself for it.  Your big accomplishment for the day is a mathematical deduction.  You are positive of this, and only this: There are nine vertical, and sixteen horizontal bars on your door.

Down the hall another door opens and closes, then a guard walks by without looking at you, and on out another door.

"the son of a . . . . ."

You’d like to say that you are waiting for something, but, nothing ever happens.  There is nothing to look forward to.

You make friends in the prison.  You become one in a "clique", who’s purpose is nothing.  Nobody is richer or poorer than the other.  The only way wealth is measured is by the amount of tobacco a man has, or "Duffy’s Hay" as tobacco is called.

All of you have had the same things snuffed out of your lives.  Everything it seems that makes a man a man. — woman, money, a family, a job, the open road, the city, the country, ambition, power, success, failure –  a million things.

Outside your cellblock is a wall.  Outside that wall is another wall.  It’s twenty feet high, and it’s granite blocks go down another eight feet in the ground.  You know you’re here to stay, and for some reason you’d like to stay alive. — and not rot.

So for the fourth time I have done so in California, I brought my show to Folsom.  Prisoners are the greatest audience that an entertainer can perform for.  We bring them a ray of sunshine in their dungeon and they’re not ashamed to respond, and show their appreciation.  ——  And after six years of talking I finally found the man who would listen at Columbia Records.  Bob Johnston believed me when I told him that a prison would be the place to record an album live.

Here’s the proof.  Listen closely to this album and you hear in the background the clanging of the doors, the shrill of the whistle, the shout of the men — Even laughter from men who had forgotten how to laugh.

But mostly you’ll feel the electricity and hear the single pulsation of two thousand heartbeats in men who have had their hearts torn out, as well as their minds, their nervous systems, and their souls.

Hear the sounds of the men, the convicts all brothers of mine — with the Folsom Prison Blues.

———-Johnny Cash

T.N.K.F.

November 17th, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

Girl: Way too hot.  Goin to California.  Emily Burton???  Was she the one that was wearing the boots?  Father lives in/out here.  No photos so you can’t like that.  Booooring.  Cynthia?  OOOh, Cheryl.  Why L. 

Guy:  I just enjoy being single.  Why ruinit.  Yer a GOOD GUY. 

Thursday Night Knife Fight

November 10th, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

What do you mean I doubt it?  Highly unlikely.  What’s the word on jobs out there, huh?  Gotta call…surprise call.  Assistant editor, sent him all this stuff, sent him this stuff.  Logging for the real shot.  Woulda been cool.  "Please God, I wanna get on with this stuff, what I wanna do."  The girls in this town don’t call you back.  Forty hours a week, this lady (soundin good) sells gift baskets.  It’s in the back of a volvo workshop.  I know what your thinking.  Old volvos, classic volvos if there is such a thing.  Sausauges, cheese, nuts all this stuff.  If your unemployed you can start soon.  I’m from American Somoa.  Just graduated from a liberal arts college.  Seems likes its gonna be like art class, nine hours a day.  Filled out the Dubya-4, W-2.  Weird smeared.  Try killin a guy, for four bucks.  Thats like a medium happy meal.  The best part about out here is its only 2.97 for 3.48 worth, and nothin like being able to put four pennies in the roundtripairfarejar.

He’s been going to staffing agencies so they’ll buy something but we all share the same refrige.  I guess you gotta save everything now.  Solvang, her Dad, pictures of Mulvaney, huh?

We just killed us a bitch, lets get outta here.

Careers in Space

November 9th, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

If someone were to masturbate on me I think it is safe to say that I would prefer to be hit on the arm.

New song: "Creepy Bridge Jig" by Mulvaney.  If you are not familiar with the band don’t worry.  "Gonna get across her/Eatin Frito’s all the way."

Just realizing that the town yer from is fucked up for something you never thought about sucks.  And it’s Applebeewalmahorton’s fault.  But at least there isn’t a BMW dealership.  There.  Yet.

Thursday Night Knife Fight is almost upon us.  Here’s Josh: Wait no.  Josh ain’t here.  Check bizzack.

thursday night knive fight

November 3rd, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

a little bit on sunday goin at it. beginner rock video and put them all together and i’m waiting for the next one.  and you gotta show everyone you know.  swallowing pillls that look like hooves to show up here naked like starman with bridges.  karen allen was in starman.  that is an awesome t-shirt.  you couldnt lask a second in alaska.  ive always loved robin wright’s pen.  it was purple.  nothin better in the sunday then a robin right pen.  again.  the pen that was in the movie sanka. 

  ill call you back in fifteen minutes dave just booked his tix.  i would say heating bill, but im not me. 

2 fitty?  itd be awesome.  or some where.  id go to harrison ford hair salon.  does harrison ford own a ford?  does harrison ford drive a ford?  harrison ford affords to drive his ford past fjords because his last ford is named after harrison fords last movie the last ford starring dan akroyd.

jonafan quilt in quilt two.  starring Mrs. Abernathy as teaching science.  it was kindergarden.  its what you americans call kintergaten.

Scorcese is a whore

October 6th, 2005 by jdsalingerisawhore

So he directs a movie about the gangs of New York.  Whoopie fuckin do.  Ever heard of Boss Tweed?  Sounds familiar.  Hey Scorcese…maybe direct a movie about somebody interesting.  It’s been awhile dude.  If you were in an irish gang and you killed somebody, you’d get $100 bucks!  That’s like $10,000 grand or some shit now.  Probably more.  How the fuck do you figure that out?  Let’s see: 1863/it was a long time ago/money: more than what it was back then.  It wasn’t murder, it was doing the big one.  Is John Goodman available?  Goodman plus irish accent plus playing the most corrupt person ever plus me fucking paying ten bucks to see a worthwhile Scorcese film?  What are you waiting for dick-head?  Make it happen.  Fuckin whore.